


Let's not call it what it is

by Anonymous



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 07:19:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3125852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ward tries to deal after Lorelei.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's not call it what it is

**Author's Note:**

> Minifill/treat written for Avenger Kink Meme prompt: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19994.html?thread=49220122#t49220122

Let's not call it rape.

That's a disgusting term. To even acknowledge such an act was forced upon me is disturbing. I'm an elite SHIELD agent, at the top of my field. My abilities and experience have other agents looking at me in jealousy. My track record is fantastic. My work is admirable. I am a protector. I am capable.

Call it awe.

Lorelei is a warrior from Asgard. Her strength is overwhelming and her beauty is enchanting. I was warned about her. I was prepared for her traps and she still managed to capture me.

Call it infatuation.

I remember her statistics as provided by SHIELD. I remember the myths and other proven stories as told to us by experts. I remember the picture provided in the file.  
But I don't remember _her_.

Call it love.

I remember the wariness I felt upon approaching her. Then I remember an overwhelming desire to please. I would have done absolutely anything for her. And I did do everything she asked of me. I remember feeling relief when I knew I did something good. I remember feeling proud when I was the one to meet her demands.

Call it survival.

I hardly remember fighting back. Initially, I fought hard in my mind. It was a tiring struggle. But when I was a good boy, she would be nice to me and that felt good being the one man to please such a woman.

When she was pleased with my work, she offered a reward and while I did not want anything for participating in her evil, my body showed signs of desire. In my mind, it was a struggle. I was in love with her, truly. But I still had a small slice of rationale and I knew that this monster was not the woman I love.

I remember a moment of mental struggle when I followed her into the bedroom. I remember feeling anxiety when my clothes disappeared from my body. I remember blind panic when I looked down at her face and saw my hands on either side of her. I remember horror when I realised her hand was around my genitals.

I remember Lorelei asking me if I wanted to be inside her and I remember begging for it. That was when I shut down so I could sink into her and fuck her like she commanded from me.

I remember lying face down next to her, breathing haggardly into the sheets. Sometimes my breath catches in my chest. Lorelei is asleep and I cannot move. My chest is tight and I feel dizzy. It must have been the endorphins and Lorelei's mental hold weakening in her sleep. Or maybe I cannot move due to guilt. This is the first time I have had sex with a second partner without informing my first partner ahead of time. This is cheating.

I'm scared she will find out and I'm scared she will be furious. I'm so scared because I feel so content for being able to please Lorelei sexually. She told me I am a good boy. I'm scared by what this means.

Call it something else.

My mind is returned to me in the middle of combat with Melinda. Instantly, I'm flooded with a feeling of freedom and at the same time, loss of control. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm still scared that this is just a small taste of freedom.

She hits me. Melinda. I'm shocked that she would strike me even as she claims she knows I'm back in control. But I feel like I deserve it for all the things I have done with Lorelei. I still feel defiant and protective of myself. I want to defend my side of the story and justify it. I wouldn't have hit her.

I apologise and hide. It's the only thing I know to do.

No one asks how I'm doing. No one wonders if I'm okay. And I think I'm okay with that.

So even if it was rape, let's not call it that because I'm not ready.


End file.
